Baby sex (Timed Intercourse to conceive a baby) – love it or hate it, many of us have done it. Over the last 16 years treating couples trying to conceive, I’ve come to the conclusion that baby sex doesn’t work.
We spend our late teens, early 20’s doing everything within our power not to become pregnant. Early 30’s come along, we fall in love, find “the one” (or thereabouts), we decide to go un-protected. At first it’s exhilarating, liberating, we feel like naughty teenagers. That’s the first few months. Job done, delighted, we start looking out for signs of early pregnancy, that we googled. Yes we have tender breasts, nipples have changed colour (maybe).Then our good friend period arrives, just a day late.
Little do we know that a healthy 30 year old trying to conceive only has a 20% chance of conceiving each month. But we think it’s going to work right away – sure look at Mary in accounts, 4th baby on the way, she says she only has to look at her man, and boom, another baby comes along.
All of a sudden making love becomes staged, forced and sometimes painful. Here’s the thing, a woman’s monthly cycle is pretty amazing, but sometime ago many of us lost the ability to listen to it.
Day 1-5 generally for most women is menstruation, after this every woman’s cycle varies. We reach for the ovulation sticks to show us a smiley face, instead of listening to our bodies, watching for our body to tell us when it’s fertile. For example our cervical mucus changes, becoming clear, our sex drive increases, but putting a stick with a flashing smiley face in front of your partner, chances are he may do two things, run a mile, or fail to perform.
David shares his story …
“ My wife and I got married young, we bought a house, and 5 years later we decided to try for a family. Both of us come from fairly large families. The first 6 months were great, but I saw a different look start to appear in Helen's eyes. She began to scare me coming up to mid-cycle. I dreaded the text at work telling me her stick said she was at her most fertile. And even if I was exhausted after a particularly busy day at work, I was expected to be in the mood, as soon as I stepped through the front door. It killed it for me I began to have erectile problems, which really worried me. Helen would be a very caring person, but this she didn’t take well, and got more and more frustrated with me. We began to row, especially leading up to mid cycle. When her period came, Helen wouldn’t talk to me to a few days.
Helen's friend told her about Katie at The Clonmel Acupuncture Centre, so we met Katie for a consultation. She recommended that we got basic blood tests done, all came back OK. She asked Helen to get rid of the temperature charts, and ovulation kits, and diary for a few months. And explained that we needed to go back to basics, having sex only when both of us wanted, for both of us to exercise, to make sure Helen had orgasms again, to go and have great sex, and re discover each other.
It felt strange at first then one night Helen broke down she said she just wanted me. I believe my wife let go of something, not sure what but our son Jack was born 10 months later.”
See here’s the thing that I see time and time again. When we don’t get pregnant – fear creep’s its ugly head in, fear is the enemy, as is frustration. I believe the way we have sex as a couple has a huge impact on the result.
Baby sex – normally “performed” after the couple have come back from work all day. Its quick, forced, and 9 times out of 10 the woman doesn’t climax, we lose the love. Many women report back to me that they begin to dread mid cycle sex, because there’s a feeling of complete anxiety that they don’t miss the right days, hours.
I firmly believe that female orgasm pre or post male ejaculation increases sperm retention and helps increase chances of conception.
Interestingly longer foreplay and a higher level of sexual arousal before ejaculation have shown to increase sperm counts in some research studies.
So what’s the answer?
There is no simple answer. I believe that once you start “trying” for a baby, you can never fully stop. But what you can do is alter your approach.
Intimacy as a couple is paramount. This is often lost when trying for a baby. Keep communicating as a couple. Intimacy isn’t just physical it is emotional contact too. Discuss how you are both feeling. Remember it takes two to tango, make sure you are both on the same page.
This is very hard but try not to compare yourselves to couples around you. It can be very painful to see friends conceive quickly when you are actively trying. I remember personally seeing 3 couples that were our friends have 2 children each before we had our first. I found it very hard not to feel resentful towards them all. I found myself avoiding their company.
Go back to basics, re connect to each other. Spend quality time together in and out of the bedroom. One of my most successful tips for couples has been to go hill walking together. For some reason this really does seem to work!!!
Until you get a positive pregnancy test do not put your lives on hold. Enjoy sex again…
Katie Murphy Lic AC MTCMCI