No Baby In The Manger - Coping with Miscarriage at Christmas Time

I have always loved Christmas. Perhaps one of my favourite memories being when my sister Claire and I decided to set a "Father Christmas Trap" one Christmas Eve. It involved a bean bag and a bean pole by the bedroom door, if my memory serves me correctly. We went to bed so excited - well I did, my sister I believe was humouring me, being 5 years older. I was convinced I heard the reindeer's hooves tapping on the roof, and hid under my duvet to hear a huge amount of swearing as the bedroom door opened and "father Christmas" fell over the trap. I couldn't believe he would swear like that! My poor Dad.

Now a days Christmas starts so early, we are brain washed by images of happy families gathered around a perfect feast. Children laughing, playing, and couples in love. So how does this time of year feel for someone trying for a baby? Or for a couple having had a miscarriage? I can only share with you my personal experiences. I had two miscarriages right before Christmas. The first was by far the worst namely because it was my first pregnancy, so we were completely unaware of all the booby traps that can lie in wait when you are pregnant.
We were so excited. I was dragging my Irish husband kicking and screaming to his first English Christmas in Dorset. So very excited, we were celebrating after a long week at work. That's when it started to go wrong, noticing that small show of blood. Resulting in a D&C. The next day we were meant to be celebrating Marc's Fathers birthday before we left to the UK. I will never forget the numbness. Being surrounded by such joy, everyone celebrating, yet inside I was completely numb. Being given the most beautiful diamond bracelet, seeing our beautiful pregnant friend, still so very numb.

At the airport on Christmas Eve, we stood waiting to check-in. I remember seeing the most adorable little girl, probably aged 3, dressed in a pretty red coat. She wouldn't stop smiling at me, twirling around to show me her curls. My heart broke and yet it melted all at once. That was the moment I decided we would get our baby, whatever it took. I wanted to see that love in my babies’ eyes. 

I can't remember anything about that Christmas Day I must have gone into auto robot mode. On Boxing/St Stephen's Day my eldest sister Sarah dragged us to some beach on the Dorset Coastline, normally one of my favourite places. It was freezing cold, blowing a gale. My husband stood dumbstruck, I had forgotten to warn him about my families’ crazy rituals around Christmas time. Marc took me to a tiny pub nestled by the sea, he told my sister I wasn't up to the hike up the cliff. What was strange was that a lot of healing happened that day. We sat by a beautiful log fire, drinking too many hot whiskeys. We talked, proper communication something that really can stop when you are trying for a baby for so long.

This Christmas I have two beautiful angels (most of the time)! Who are so excited, the absolute joy and innocence on their faces when they wake up on Christmas Day is something I will treasure forever.

If you are reading this blog and dreading this Christmas don't give up on your heart’s desire. I wish I could wave a magic wand for you. But for now try and have a peaceful Christmas X.
Katie Murphy Lic Ac MTCMCI
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